Dear Ke$ha: You know it's not a good day for you when wearing a tiger mask is a marked improvement on your overall appearance. Oh, while you're at it, could you give Lindsay back her tights? She's going to need those when she's done with rehab.Dear McSteamy: Our paths have yet to cross, but please know you are never far from my thoughts. I love you, McSteamy. You're so fine. You're so fine you blow my mind. McSteamy. McSteamy.Dear Mark: Wow, will you look at that? A birthday cake with your face on it? I'm sure that was JUST what you wanted, right? Wait, what's that? It wasn't? You're actually a little embarrassed by it? Well, that's a good start. I'm a little mortified for you. As we all know, I'm not above putting a picture of Ricky Schroder on MY birthday cake, but putting my own face? Blech. No, thank you. No one needs to see that display of vanity. Plus, if you eat a piece with your face on it, isn't that worse than cannibalism?
Dear Zac: I'm not sure who your gay boyfriend on the right is or who that jag-off in the middle is, but get your porn-stache-loving-fine-piece-of-ass back to LA on the double. Millions of teenage girls (OK, a few of us semi-grown-ups, as well) are crying our eyes out at night until your return. Dear Julia: If you're wearing that, is your couch naked? Sorry, Adam, I know she's your fave, but come on. She's clearly wearing a couch cover as a dress.