Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Anatomy of a Dentist's Visit
9:58 a.m. Leave work for hot dentist's office (much too late, but don't really care to be on time) 10:14 Arrive late for 10:10 appointment 10:15 Taken back to scary room by hot dentist's assistant (let's call her Bambi - I'm sure you can visualize this blonde haired, blue eyed twelve-year-old girl who was most definitely a cheerleader and Homecoming Queen) 10:16 Bambi applies topical ointment to teeth to pre-numb them before hot dentist gives me shots 10:17 Numbing ointment numbs entire mouth, especially tongue. Stupid Bambi. 10:18 Lying on the chair, I consider how much the music overhead sounds like it belongs in a dentist's office. Chuckle to myself at unintended cleverness. 10:20 Hot dentist arrives in room. Asks me if I have any questions. Looks beautiful. I debate whether or not, "Would you like to run away with me?" would be an appropriate question for hot dentist. Decide against it. 10:22 Hot dentist injects my gums with shots of novocaine. Forgive his jabs due to hotness. 10:23 Hot dentist leaves room so that I can "numb up." Bambi then asks me if I'd like some noise reducing earphones while they work on me. She offers me an iPod, but I decide to use my own since I'm certain their iPod is filled with more "dentist's office music." 10:24 Listen to my iPod, silently wish I'd known about the joy of the noise reducing headphones so that I could've made my own mix. I would've called it "Dentist's Office" and put such songs on it as: "Heal the Pain" (by George Michael), "A Pain That I'm Used To" (by Depeche Mode) and "Our Lips are Sealed" (by the Go-Go's - also as an homage to the great Belinda Carlisle) 10:30 Hot dentist proceeds to fix my teeth. Ponder last time I had any significant work done on mouth. Not since wisdom teeth came out over ten years ago. Stupid cavity. 10:31 Drilling begins. Make mental note that noise reducing headphones do not reduce noise when it's inside of my head. 10:32 Pray that the novocaine lasts. Nothing worse than becoming un-novocained midway through drill. 10:33 Wonder what the contraption is in/over mouth. Seems to be some sort of tongue barrier (which is good, since my tongue is insane and desperately wants to get into the action of whatever is happening in my mouth - certain to impale tongue someday by exploration). 10:34 Hot dentist inserts a styrofoam thing to hold my mouth open. Wow, how lazy do I have to be to not be able to keep my mouth open? 10:41 Bambi does terrible job of keeping water out of mouth. Keeps hitting me in arm while working, as she's also distracted by hot doctor. Consider somehow spitting up on Bambi. 10:43 Roll eyes as Bambi shamelessly flirts with Hot Doctor. Silently offer prayer of gratitude for noise reducing headphones, so as not to hear her school girl chatter. 11:05 Hot dentist finishes whatever it is he was doing in there. Again, asks for questions. I bite tongue, not wanting to reveal deep and true love. 11:08 Bambi applies sealant to teeth. Fairly certain she did something wrong, as teeth feel odd and wrong now. Curse Bambi in my head. 11:15 Completely finished, Bambi walks me up to make my six-month appointment. Relief washes over me.