Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Moment of Sadness

So, yesterday I was walking into a store and passed this cute little man on his way out. He was shuffling slowly across the way and had those indescript features old people get as they age where you can't really tell what he used to look like (does that make sense?). Because of this, everything about him - his height, his head shape, his facial features - reminded me of what Neverending Boyfriend could possibly look like when he's that age. For an instant I was transported 50 years into the future as though I were passing him randomly in a store and it made me very sad. So sad I *almost* picked up my phone to call him (but I didn't, because my heart can't take it anymore and, as I've mentioned, it's been over a year since we've spoke). Why was I sad? Because if this had been us in 50 years and he was some stranger on the street, then that means I'd missed the remainder of his life story. I always wanted him to be the one by my side when we're 80, so to know that the rest of my life will be lacking his presence just made me really blue. Up until this past year, I can barely remember any period of time when he wasn't in my life - he's always been "my person," "my rock," "my glue." I realize no one really understands just how important to me he was because they choose to focus on the negative parts of our break-ups or misunderstandings, but the truth is he was one of the most important people I've ever known and to be missing that now is heartbreaking. The loss never really goes away. Yes, I know I sound melodramatic (who, me?) and should probably keep these thoughts to myself. But, I can't bottle them up. Perhaps sharing them will help me move on. Granted, I know what I'm doing is for the best. But while I might know that in the logical sense, emotionally is a bit harder. I don't want to be 80 and have missed his life. I don't want to live the rest of mine without his love, support, and friendship. I miss my friend. I miss every last rotten thing about him. I wish him well. I wish him health and love and happiness. I just wish he were here.

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