Dear Kate Gosselin: Holy crap! I had no idea you knew how to smile. Nicely done. Also, kudos on your hat (and hiding that hot mess of hair you're rocking).Dear Josh Duhamel's shirt: Good start, now keep on going. Make yourself scarce and work your way off his yummy body. Dear Johnny Depp: Does the Depp in your last name mean you're trying to hawk Depp gel? Because you could've fooled me with that super slick hair.Dear Joan Rivers: Aren't you afraid to be so close to the ovens? Your face might melt off.