Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Love Junkie

Anyone who knows me can tell you that, although many have tried unsuccessfully throughout the years to change this, my heart has basically been (for over twenty years, at least) perfectly divided into two sections: One section for Neverending Boyfriend (who shall now be referred to as NB) and the other for my BFF. Both have held my heart hostage for far too long.To be fair, my BFF and I really only had our Big Love a million years ago, and ever since then we've been Just Friends. We were fairly successful at moving past the Ex-Zone and into the Friend Zone. Very successful, in fact. NB and I, however, could never do that. I've remained quiet about this subject for a long time, but earlier this year I made the excruciating yet necessary decision to no longer have any ties to NB. This may seem like no big deal to anyone else, but those who know me well know that this is akin to my turning away from my love for pink. He's that important to me; that close to my heart. We met when we were 12 (or 13 - who can remember for sure) and have been ridiculously close ever since - going in and out of love, but always remaining the very best of friends. It's been six months since we spoke and I feel like some sort of freaking junkie needing a fix. I'm a wreck. I'm dying to talk to him. It doesn't hurt that he recently had a birthday (and it took every last ounce of willpower I had not to contact him). Part of me thinks we'll look back on this time someday and laugh, but then I remind myself, "Not this time. This is different. You're different. You will no longer be friends. Ever." I realize this sounds harsh. It is. I know. But, it's also necessary. I'm never going to move on and find anyone else if I'm always wishing we were together. If I'm always waiting around for him to finally realize we're Meant To Be. Who needs that bother?
I know it's the right decision. I do. In my logical mind, I can see all the positives. But, my heart doesn't understand. My heart thinks I'm a freaking idiot. I miss his voice, his laugh, his perspective, the way he sees the world. I miss how he knows every last thing about me and understands without me having to even say what I'm thinking. I miss him being on my side and calming me down and talking me through it. He's been my rock. And now I have to do that all on my own. I know it's in me, I do. I just wish this wasn't so hard. I miss him. I need my fix. But, I won't. This time, I won't.

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