Saturday, June 5, 2010

An Open Letter to Dane Cook

Dear Dane I'm-a-douchebag-who-thinks-he's-cool Cook, I would like to respectfully (no, wait, nevermind - it can be disrespectfully - what do I care?) withdraw my membership in the I Love Dane Cook fan club, as you are now dead to me. After years and years of being a loving and faithful fan (even going as far as following you to the airport after Vicious Circle to try to meet you), watching all of your shows, every single episode of your Tourgasm series, and all of your movies (which, let's face it, weren't really the greatest things I've ever seen, but I toughed them out to show my support), I've decided after meeting you that you're a big, fat phony. How dare you blow me off, when I was the ONLY person to spot you from miles away and all you were doing was waiting for your car. I mean, really?!?!? You HAD to keep moving, couldn't take a picture as we walked, or while you waited for the next five minutes for the valet to bring your vehicle? That was SORRY, Dane. The other fans who you "didn't want to disappoint" really wouldn't have cared. It's a dog-eat-dog-world in the celebrity picture game and they would've understood. Hell, if I hadn't recognized you, no one else would've. Trust me. However, since I'm a SUPERFAN, I know your walk. I know your swagger. I could pick you out of a line-up blindfolded while reciting some of my favorite comedy bits that you do. Oh, and by the way, it was night-time, which means there was no sun. I'm fairly certain those idiotic sunglasses were a *wee* bit of overkill. I'm just saying. Now, I realize it's not your duty to take a picture with every last fan that asks. It'd be simply impossible and you have things to do. I get that. However, one of my favorite things about you after watching hours and hours of footage from your shows and Tourgasm was that you were so awesome to your fans. You took countless pictures after shows, you wrote emails, you were connected, and you were a really great example of how a celebrity should be. I thought that was the coolest thing ever and really endeared you to my heart. However, after seeing you in person and realizing that was all an elaborate hoax (or that you're now just too big for your britches), I'm not going to lie: You broke my heart, Dane Cook, and I hate you for that. I drove out here from Salt Lake City and seeing you in person made my entire day....that is, until you opened your mouth and shattered my dreams. I'm so sorry fame has turned you into a douchebag. I'm so sorry you think you're better than everyone and have to be an assface now. It must be SO difficult to be famous and to have achieved all your dreams. I'm sure that's really tough on you. Poor baby. Please remove me from your fan club and from all future success you wish to receive. I will no longer stand by and be a loyal fan, nor will I wish good things for you. Quite simply, you suck Dane Cook. You really, really do. Your ex-SUPER fan, Pinky Lovejoy

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